Before you I bow while you lay on the shore and I count every grain of sand

You throw me a gaze as you open your eyes and calmly before you I stand

From the apple you hold I take a bite, you are the serpent I shall never detest

Your venom seeps into my every vein; your poison feeds my soul

You speak soft words, music to my ears, they slowly calm my breath

Together we conquer every second we stole, a conspiracy far from regret

I stretch out my arms to envelope you with the warmth I’ve been trying to keep

And you hold my hand but it’s your cold grip I feel as soon as our skins meet

I seek for your lips, the opium of my soul, as my heartbeat races against logic

You offer me a kiss that’s so carnal, so cold, so indifferent, so empty, stoic

From the shores of desire let me set you out to sea where the body stops yearning and the heart bursts into flames

From the cradle of flesh let me take you to a place where our desire stops playing and can be more than just games.

(I've been getting a lot of "you really wrote that?" and so I just have to finally clear it out, yes friends, I can write poems.)

Your teeth sank into the redness of the apple, the serpent hisses music to your ears

Damned in paradise you slipped into bliss, regretting is far from the mind

You played the game with rules you wrote but a fool you broke your own

A loser you slipped into bliss, regretting is far from the mind

You sang to your heart to be still before it starts, the melody you cannot follow

Out of tune you slipped into bliss, regretting is far from the mind

You crossed the line your own pen drew, emotions devouring logic

A sinner you slipped into bliss, regretting is far from the mind

You sought for warmth from those opium lips and you asked for it to stay

Against an empty stare you slipped into bliss, forgetting is far from the mind

You asked for a grip from the hand you held but the cold pressed against your palm

With empty hands you slipped into bliss, forgetting is far from the mind

I still refuse to be called old. At 23, I shouldn't really be worrying about that. But after discovering recently my ability to sing verbatim to songs fit only for Retro Sunday airing, male-pattern baldness is now just a few years away. What makes me feel better is knowing that it is not just me but one whole generation of homo sapiens who worry about this - the children of the 80s-90s. I am talking about people who are in their 20's and 30's, born in the mid 70s to the late 80s and lived through the mid 80s to the late 90s. But instead of evading the inevitable ticking of our personal Big Bens why don't we walk down memory lane, minus the mush of course. Here are some of the stuff a mid 80s to late 90s kid couldn't have missed:

Your can never tie your shoe laces properly without a pair of these cartoon-designed Bow Biters. Every kid, especially those in pre-school, just had to get a pair of these plastic clips not only to help keep those shoes on but also to flash this 90s version of bling-bling.

Who will ever forget the most famous pet during the 90s? The Tamagochi is your very own virtual pooch which you can feed, play with, and take care of. The Japanese just had so much time in their hands they come up with all sorts of weird things.

No kid in the 90s would settle for an ordinary pen. It just had to turn into a helicopter or a water gun, or maybe even catapult a plane into the air. The Power Penz craze crawled into every Filipino schoolchild's pencil case, and sometimes even into the teacher's drawer after being confiscated for hitting your seatmate in the eye.

The 90s was the coolest time for keeping files with the help of the ever reliable Trapper Keeper! Each comes with pages of cardboard folders and lots of sidepockets which was every obsessive compulsive person's dream come true. High school and college kids had the time of their life stuffing everything they needed in these neat organizers while grade school kids looked forward to every quarterly/periodic exam to show off their new trapper keepers.

Believe it or not, you enjoyed playing with your Game & Watch and your Brick Game during your childhood. I am personally guilty of falling victim to this craze after asking Santa for these gadgets one Christmas Eve. These two may be far lamer than your PSP today but during that time you'd kill to get one of them as they were the closest you can get to cybergaming world.

How many times did you have to say "I love you" to a stranger over the phone hoping that it reaches your hunny-bunny in time for your anniversary? Pagers/Beepers were definitely the best and fastest mode of mobile communication during the early 90s. No matter how awkward it was to spill secrets or sometimes curse that stranger with the lovely voice over the phone, you didn't hesitate doing it for the love of your life and of technology.

Who will forget the up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-a-b-a-b-select-start combo to earn a "hundred" lives (which is actually not just a hundred) in Contra? Or the multi-colored cartridges that sometimes need a good blowing to get them to work properly? The Family Computer is the game console of all game consoles. Who is not guilty of growing eyebags staying up until the wee hours of the morning just to get to King Koopa's castle to save Princess Toadstool? The Family Computer is to thank for all the coolest games today and to blame for the undying addiction to them.

Like what was said earlier, these Japanese guys just have so much time in their hands they come up with all sorts of things - even the coolest series! One can never claim to be an 80s/90s kid without knowing Bioman, Shaider, and Masked Rider Black among many other armored superheroes. No child of this generation will ever forget these shows whether because he once dreamed of having the same superpowers or plainly because Shaider's sidekick Annie gave him his very first upskirting experience.

Every kid of the 90s had his very own Coca Cola Yoyo which he probably bought from manong peddler outside the school gate. Used by Coca Cola as promotional items, this traditional Filipino toy became every 80s/90s kid's talent tool. Who knows it might have  started your exhibition skills (not that kind you perv!).

And of course, who could forget these small pieces of cardboard you used to throw into the air with the hopes of collecting your opponent's. The Teks game became a substitute for other street games like habulan, patintero, or tumbang preso. It is probably the foundation of our booming gambling industry today.

Who will forget the day when you freaked your mom out by bringing home stacks of matchboxes filled with these creepy crawlers you just won from your opponent? Gagamba Fighting became a craze during that time which brought every student to the Guidance Office for being caught playing with spiders while in class. The poor creatures just had to give their lives up for these kids' juvenile gambling urges as they are made to fight against each other with, usually, cash on the line.

These are just a few things that you may want to include in the list of anecdotes you've been building to tell your boy or your boy's boy while you sit on that recliner waiting for your final gig. In the end you can proudly say that you lived in an era of creativity and wit - a witness to everything wonderful, from Bow Biters to Creepy Crawlers.

How could traffic be possibly that bad along Katipunan on a Saturday night? Ana, one of my orgmates, texted me yesterday afternoon asking if I can drop by Ateneo High to help sell tickets for our event. Of course, the active member that I am, I instantly replied to her message and promised my presence - thus all the traffic-enduring ranting. When I got there I was surprised to find out that I was actually attending the Annual Ateneo Alumni Homecoming - the first two things that came into my head were: "Good thing I wore a blue shirt and my Ateneo jacket" and "I'm too young to be attending this shit."

Yes, I indeed was too young to be there, and that I realized more when alumni from college batch '68 who were mostly on nurse-pushed wheelchairs circling our org's booth started to surround me. The sight of their group in one corner of the High School Covered Courts was very heartwarming. It is not difficult to notice how successful they have become especially when you start recognizing faces you've been seeing on TV dubbed as the VIPs of Philippine society. But beneath the glitter and the aura of self-fulfillment, you see the lines drawn on their faces - those that have witnessed years of battling it out for the golden cup. The lines trace back to their days in the Ateneo as young dreamers itching to go to the outside world. I imagine them during their days in the old Ateneo - when they were running around campus from building to building to get to class on time and were rushing their papers due the next day during the legendary Ateneo hell week(s). The homecoming was indeed a celebration of the past that brought them to where they are today.

But if there's one thing that was surely remembered last night, I would say that it was that fine day when these alumni marched to the music of the marching band, donning their dark blue gowns with their cords around their necks, while their proud and teary-eyed loved ones and friends watched. That was the day when them eagles finally spread their wings to take flight away from the nest, just like how the alma mater song goes:

"Down from the hill, down to the world go I. Remembering still how the bright blue eagles fly..."

On that day they were all ready to go down from the hill wearing the best and shiniest armors and the softest and purest hearts. On that day each of them was given the challenge to finally live the words that have been echoed to them since the 1st day they set foot on Loyola's grass - to be "men for others" all for the greater glory of God, Ad Majorjem Dei Gloriam.

The homecoming reminded everyone who was there of that promise each of us made on that faithful and fateful day - to surrender ourselves to the society that nurtured us. Each one of us has the responsibility of using whatever he has learned in life to do his part in building the society in which he belongs. I think this goes to everyone, Ateneans and non-Ateneans alike and one does not have to be an eagle to know and to do that. A homecoming on its surface may be "coming home" to your alma mater to see old friends attempting to feel that warmth you've long missed, but, also, beyond that is an invitation to a real homecoming to a bigger home that needs us more.

It took me almost two long hours to drive home from school. Yes, TWO friggin hours which is unusually long since I only spend around an hour when traffic is really bad. This could only mean one thing, it IS almost Christmas. The long lines of vehicles are now all inching their way to every shopping spot in the Metro to spend all their hard-earned moolahs to secure that smile on the face of every loved one and friend under that mistletoe. But why bother join the herd of these bargain-hungry monsters when you can shop at the convenience of your own home-sweet-home? Not only will you be able to shop with a coffee cup or a soda in hand but you will also find the coolest and the most one-of-a-kind stuff that can't be found elsewhere! Here are my TOP 10 HOLIDAY GIFT PICKS from the ever reliable shopping site stupid.com that will surely make your and your family and friends' holidays a crazy one:

#10 Christmas will never be sweeter without your holiday dose of chocolate! But of course you wouldn't want to bore your guests by using that old reliable crystal candy bowl or that Christmas chocolate tray you've been using for years. By now they probably have already memorized every illustration on that tray or every corner of that bowl. It's time to use your creativity and serve your Christmas chocolates North Pole style with THE DOGDEER POOP CANDY DISPENSER! With this candy dispenser your guests will surely leave the party with a smile on their faces but of course remind them to pick the poop off of their teeth first.

#9 They often say that the holidays are meant for kids, and of course they ARE WRONG. Even ol' grandpops and nana have the right to boogie it down and prove that they still can jingle those bells. This Christmas, honor the people without whom you won't be alive doing....errr... whatever it is that you do. Spread the love for sus abuelos by giving away these FROZEN SMILES ICE CUBE TRAY and literally put a smile on that drink! (looks better on clear carbonated soda)

#8 It has been invading every debate in the world, has already severed the most formidable friendships, and has broken the most in-love hearts - that age old question just has to be answered NOW! Crack the riddle this Christmas by getting the CHICKEN AND EGG WIND-UP RACE SET! The set comes with a chicken and egg action figure which you can both wind-up to finally find out which of them will come first! Who knows you might even get a Nobel for this!

#7 Psychology was never fun until you met Sigmund Freud. Yes, Freud, that guy who introduced you to the world of fun. That guy who taught you that everything is about your juvenile urges. In honor of this great psychologist/porn god stupid.com has come up with the best lollies you can give away this Christmas THE SIGMUND FREUD HEAD POPS! Experience the things this crazy old guy has been putting in your head first hand! Release those Freudian slips while you do the Freudian sips!

#6 Ever wondered why Monica Lewinsky liked staying under that huge office table in the White House? It's about time for you to find out while popping that cork with the use of this handy CORKSCREW BILL - BILL CLINTON CORKSCREW! Just swing Bill's "Bill" and screw that cork off to pour that champagne!

#5 Bummer! You almost had the night of your life when your girl walked out on you at the sight of that rag hanging down your waist. Wait, that's not a rag... it's your underwear! If you yourself can't even stand the sight of your own undies anymore then it's about time to get the all new MEN'S UNDERWEAR REPAIR KIT! The set also comes with an instruction manual aside from all the tools you will be needing to make yourself that in-demand hunk once again. Remember, it's not just about what is underneath because the packaging is always the first in sight.

#4 Just in time for all the talk about the Reproductive Health Bill in the country, this FETUS COOKIE CUTTER helps spread love for the unborn. It is also a good tool to encourage you to think first before you do it unsafe or think well after you do it unsafe. Wait, isn't Halloween over already?

#3 Gross out your holidays with a serving of these wonderful candies! Introducing the ZIT POPPERS! With the Zit Poppers, you have the perfect excuse to play with your food without mom telling you to go to your room. Grab a pack now!

#2 Are you getting bored with all those corporate calendar giveaways showing nothing but their products? (except those from liquor manufacturers which are not as boring, hehehe) It probably is time for you to get the 2009 edition of the DOGPOOP CALENDAR! Celebrate your pet's waste with these wonderful pages of creatively shot dogpoop which will serve as your inspiration for every day of the year! Never thought poop can be this cute! Now tell me which is more worth the stickers, this or Starbucks?

#1 On the top spot of my list is I think the most fun and the most novel of all the products I picked from stupid.com. It is, like item #2, perfect for pet lovers who also can't get enough of downloading their favorite songs and TV series from the net but who do not have enough space to save all the files in. Presenting THE HUMPING DOG USB! Perfect for those boring afternoons at work or school when you have no choice but to stay in front of the computer and stare at its screen. Watch that canine hump all those kilobytes while you download your way to bliss! Click here and watch this USB hump it away!

With my Top 10 Holiday Gift Picks I'm sure your holidays will be crazy! Grab these gifts and spread the love of Christmas now! ;)

Here's a slightly edited and abridged excerpt from the palanca (the fancy word used to refer to a surprise letter given to a retreat/recollection participant, hehehe) I wrote for my sister for her highschool retreat in Baguio last November 20, 2008. I just thought it would be nice to share to everyone my attempt of becoming a wise ol' big brother, of course with permission from the lil' sis. Pardon the cheesy-ness and the allusion to Physics and baking, after all it was written for a senior high school girl, you do the math.

"Dear Yehlen,

Hope you're enjoying your retreat. How's Baguio? You must be really having fun there, well you should! It is the last one you'll be having before you graduate so might as well spend the time knowing your friends, yourself, and your God better...

Being the big brother that I am, I can't help but give you a little piece of advice no matter how corny or cheesy it may sound. I know, and I am sure, that at this point of your life you fear a lot of things. I am sure that right now you are afraid of what's going to happen to you in college, and before that, of the results of all the admission exams you have taken. You fear the future. Trust me, I know that this is normal, I've been there and I know that it is not easy.

If there is one thing that I can tell you to help you feel better it is that being afraid is normal. Fear is an affirmation of your humanity. You are just human who has very limited knowledge. You do not know what lies ahead of you in the future. Being the humans that we are, we fear the future as part of the unknown, a territory that our limited knowledge cannot reach. But you should not let the fear stop you. Being human is an excuse for being afraid but it is never an excuse for giving-up. You have too much potential energy within you waiting to be converted to kinetic energy. Do not let your fear make you stagnant. You are like a rock at the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed downhill. Let yourself be pushed, roll into the fields, get where you want to get to.

I know that you fear the results of the UPCAT/ACET/DLSCET(?) but you should not let that fear stop you from achieving. Nothing is guaranteed, anything can happen, but no matter what happens do not let it make you less the person that you are. It is YOU who make yourself into someone whom you want to be. Do not let the fear or the failures mold you because you are your own mold, your own cookie cutter...

Love, Kuya"

“Keys. Follow me.” He went straight to the mall fire exit after handing me the car key as I rush behind trying to catch up with both him and our schedule. I only have an hour with my driving instructor as much as he has for me; not a single minute is allowed to be wasted. The first day of my driving class still flashes clearly in front of me. Like any other sixteen year old boy, I was pumped up on that summer afternoon as I cannot wait to finally get hold of that wheel and steer a moving vehicle to the direction I want to take. My stomach growled endlessly while a sharp chill run down my spine – a normal reaction my body makes every time I get nervous or excited.

We were at the parking lot in no time with him telling me to get into the driver’s seat and start the car. Mixed emotions of excitement and fear covered me. I jumped into the car, sat on the driver’s seat, slowly slid the key into the ignition hole and flicked it to start the engine. It went roaring, with every sound echoing in my ear a thousand times louder than normal, competing with the fast and loud beating of my restless heart. Slowly, I started driving out of the parking lot and into the streets. It was an overwhelming feeling of being in control; like the whole world was in my hands, like I could do anything and go anywhere. But ironically, fear never left me the whole time I was traversing Annapolis St. The thought that anything can just happen to me while I try to maneuver a moving vehicle for the first time in my life never left my mind. The fear enhanced my senses; I was listening to every sound the car was making, feeling every vibration of the engine, looking straight ahead to the direction I wanted to take not minding everything at the side. Then I started to get worried. What if I hit another car? What if someone suddenly crosses the street and I hit him? What if the car breaks down or its tires get flat? The faster these things ran in my head, the more I tried to be in control, and the more paranoid I got.

Half an hour passed but my hands were still colder than the freezing artificial breeze from the aircon. We reached the end of the road which cued the start of my U-turn lessons. The instructor directed me to steer the wheel all the way to the left while I release the clutch and step on the accelerator pedal. Being the obedient student that I was, I followed every word he said. Slowly, the car moved to the left making a sharp curve to the other lane, but even before I was able to make the car hit the right position, I stalled it. He shook his head in frustration then looked at me and said, “Relax. Just feel the wheel, the engine, the car.” I almost melted into a cold, embarrassed, puddle of goo. There I was trying so hard to be in total control of things only ending up losing a grip of them. With that in mind, I started the engine once again, stepped on the accelerator as I released the clutch pedal. The car went back to life and it felt different. The fear was still there but it was of a calmer kind. I drove past the huge edifices of Greenhills and the busy shoppers hustling down the sidewalks while I savor every moment of my first day on the wheel. I have resolved to stop worrying about what may happen along the way and to just actually drive.

The road we call life is full of uncertainties we usually fear. We often worry about what is in store for us in the future to the point that we get too paranoid and end up messing up the present. Our answer: to take control of things. But in this we usually fail because just when we think we've got full control of all the circumstances we end up being monsters that feed on the beauty of anticipation, devouring time and the peace that comes with it. We can't help it, we just need to put things "in order". We need to realize that uncertainty is the beauty of life as it makes us appreciate what is on hand and anticipate the future. I’d rather that we just hold on to that wheel and continue steering without worrying about what lies at the end of the road. Being in total control of things is one thing, but being at peace with yourself and the beautiful possibilities of the future is another. Enjoy that scenery outside the window, savor every moment the present unfolds; remember, it is only a one way trip and you would not want to miss anything along the way.

"For next week, submit a reflection paper on the previous readings assigned and a personal SWOT analysis. It doesn't have to be in essay form, you can use CRAYONS." The room was automatically filled with laughter as if Atty. Villareal was doing stand-up comedy in our Legal Counselling class. But he wasn't, and he was damn serious. "Why?", he asked. "WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU USED CRAYONS?" And the question struck me while in my mind I was telling myself that I should've asked that question long before I started drowning in legalese. Then maybe I could have saved myself together with my sanity.

Using crayons in law school would probably sound like a big joke. The mere idea of submitting a multi-colored piece of work to a law professor makes a law student shake his head in disbelief and maybe even disappointment. Law school is not a place for jokes. We print forms in black and white because that's how it should be in the legal world - everything should be in black and white. Gray areas are not good for you and your client (unless the gray area is on the opposing side and it's to your advantage) much more blue, yellow, red, purple, cyan, hyacinth, etc areas. This is true not just in the legal world but also in life in general. Can you imagine submitting a written report to your boss in a Lisa Frank folder? Or presenting your marketing pitch to a group of executives from your client company in a Spiderman costume? The idea is to live life simple without any complications, or in my high school assumptionista sister's words - without "arrrteh".  Having lace around the edges is cute but it gives rise to the possibility of it getting caught into anything you may bump on along the way.

But along the monochromatic halls of life, questions like what Atty. Villareal asked kill the monotony and send one back to a world where games are played without plotting, songs are sung without vocalizing, and dances are enjoyed without rigid synchronizing. Living a "grown-up life" does not have to suck the child out of you. Let loose and fly. Live your dreams. Go back to the days when Superman was the best candidate for President and Batman was more than just a dark silhouette. One must remember that everything that he is now started from that piece of paper he submitted to his preschool teacher which has a drawing of who he wants to be 20 years in the future - and that drawing was in CRAYON. Maybe it's time to get that old box of crayons and start coloring your path once again. Hey, don't forget to start with the edges!

Typically Filipino, Glutamax's billboard seeks to have all sun-kissed Filipina beauties drool on the idea of having caucasian-ish white skin. The downside is, that, at least in my opinion, they did it the wrong way.

This huge blown-up photo of an almost careerless former sitcom mainstay (Bale! Thanks blockmates for reminding me, hahaha) banners itself together with other huge edifices along EDSA Mandaluyong catching every bored driver's attention. It surely won my eyes but I don't think it had the same effect on my approval. Just in time for an all-black party happening in the US (see Obama), this Glutamax billboard is advocating conformity while the rest of the world is celebrating diversity. Throw in a bleached Afro-American woman ala Michael Jackson together with the tag line "From Ebony to Ivory" and all you need is a bonfire and pointed masks - the Ku Klux kind - epic failure. If all billboards are going to be like this, then we should start saying goodbye to individuality and start scrubbing our skins to conformity.

I don’t know how many times I heard the word “euphoria” the other day but I did and it sure was a lot. CNN, BBC, Bloomberg, and even local news cable channel ANC described the day as historic – something no one should miss, good thing I didn’t.

I love politics and all its hoola-baloo but I never really followed Uncle Sam’s version of it. It was just too foreign for me; so “out there”. It didn’t gain my interest as I never thought it would have such great impact on the local scene, until the other day.

Many are probably surprised at how interested Filipinos have become in the recently concluded US Elections. Neither Obama nor McCain mentioned the Philippines or the “P.I.” (Wazzuppp! Hahaha.) in their victory/concession speeches. Nothing concrete was directly promised to us and even our very own President was ignored thrice when she tried to congratulate Barack through phone (I wonder if she’s still thinking of calling him). There were a lot of attempts made by many Filipino journalists with all their economic and political experts to explain how much good Obama’s victory would do to our country in view of the possible policies the new US administration may implement in the future. There were talks of better economic policies that would favor third world countries like ours and of course, the never ending issue of the “war against terror” which Obama strongly disfavored (as far as I know). Everybody constructed his/her own bridge connecting Obama’s victory to the Philippines based on scientific/economic/political principles. But I don’t think it would take an Einstein or an Adam Smith to explain the euphoria that travels across the borders of Grant Park in Chicago because it all boils down to one simple explanation = “hope”. Obama’s victory animates the word “hope”.

I’m sure most, if not all of us, have heard of the horror stories of the lynching the Ku Klux Klan used to do against the black slaves back in Old America. White men with pointed masks would run after the African Americans and would kill them like boars. Little Johnny wasn’t allowed by pops and mom to play with little Jamal whose skin is far darker and dirtier than his. Society abhorred the “pests” who were not given any civil or political rights and were even denied of the most fundamental human rights they are entitled to enjoy. The whole world has come a long way from such ancient form of discrimination. Today, such kind of activities will be branded as too mediocre… too obvious. Inequality has evolved into newer and subtler forms. How many times have you uttered a racist joke in your life? How many times have you really thought of welcoming back a reforming ex-convict into society? How many times have you chosen to isolate someone to whom you could’ve just thrown a smile which wouldn’t hurt anyway?

Obama’s victory is more than just the good policies his administration may possibly implement but is also a message sent across all corners of the world. It tells all of us that anything is possible; that HOPE is not just a mere futile attempt to evade present negativity but is actually real and not useless. Obama’s victory speaks of the possibility of real unity – of genuine reaching out between races, social cliques, economic groups and the shattering of glass ceilings between different isolations. It is not Obama that makes his victory special but it is the universal ideals of hope and unity that resounded across Grant Park, Time Square, White House, and in every household throughout the world on that faithful night.

No wonder people all over the world are going loco over this Obamarama. It is because there is a sense of togetherness, of real unity, of reaching out. Who cares if you're not American, the fact that you are human is reason enough to celebrate this glorious victory. Truly, we can now say that borders have already been crossed, or better yet broken, and bridges built.

Got this from a friend’s multiply site. I don’t usually like posting these things but this one is just plain PSYCHIC! Hahaha!

Delete the other person’s last name and re-post  with the title “What does your last name say about you?” in 11 minutes and something wonderful will happen…

(Just don’t mind the instructions, you’re too smart and too creative to believe in it. This isn't one of those chain posts or whatever they call those stupid things)

A: You like to drink.

B: You like people.

C: You are really silly.

D. You like to drink.

E: Awesome in bed.

F: You are dead sexy.

G: You never let people tell you what to do.

H: You have a very good personality and good looks.

I: You really like to drink

J: People adore you.

K: You’re wild and crazy.

L: Everyone loves you.

M: Best kisser ever.

N: You are great in bed.

O: Easy to fall in love with.

P: You are popular with all types of people.

Q: You are a hypocrite.

R: Awesome kisser.

S: Fuckin’ crazy.

T: You’re loyal to those you love.

U: You really like to chill.

V: You are not judgmental.

W: You are very broad minded.

X: You love sports.

Y: Best boyfriend or girlfriend anyone could ask for.

Z: Always ready.

R: Awesome kisser. (Wait, I think I heard this before...)

A: You like to drink. (Hell yeah!)

M: Best kisser ever. (Badaboom!)

O: Easy to fall in love with. (Badabadaboom!)

S: Fuckin’ crazy. (You bet!)

This thing is friggin crazy! It's either the person who made this is psychic or is stalking me! (Hehehe, I love using that line) Comments are welcome (and expected, hehehehe).

One of the highlights of a law student’s sembreak is the day the grades are officially released, and this year that day is TODAY. Law School just never fails to find a way to haunt every law student even during the break.

So here is how it works, we go on break after a mind busting exam then we wait for our grades to be uploaded online by the beautiful Ate Pearl (hehe), our registrar. But after almost 3 years in law school I’ve probably gotten used to it already; the anxiety doesn’t get me that much anymore as compared to how it really killed me during freshman year. But even if I can say that I’ve already developed immunity cells against the stress and the anxiety, the waiting still makes my hands shake. The waiting is the worst part.

I always tell my friends that I hate waiting. I’m the guy who’s always on the go; idle time does not excite me at all. I’m not the type who’d enjoy locking himself in his room listening to emo songs all day (unless I’m really, really sick). If I can do things now, I would do them, unless they’re really boring and deserve a dose of my procrastination skills.

But there’s also a good side to waiting and it is the fact that as much as it usually makes you hate what you’re waiting for, it also makes you long for it more. Something is more appreciated when time has been spent waiting for it. It is part of the effort you exert towards reaching that goal; it makes victory sweeter. In the end, when you start looking back, the worst part may not be really that bad after all, it may even have been the best coz it made everything worth it. Now, who hates waiting?

Hey, grades are out! Hehehe.

I hate the stress law school brings with it. We seldom have time to really relax and rest. Rarely are we able to go out. We’d grab a couple of beers and try to forget about all the unfinished work only to realize that tomorrow is just gonna be another of those crazy stressful days. Breaks are rare, desired, and celebrated. That batchmate you see everyday in Powerplant working for Rockwell Land is envied because aside from the fact that he’s already earning his own money while you’re still on allowance, he has time to drink every night and can stay in a relationship without having to argue about lack of time and all that shit. But come sembreak, everything just turns around. Free time does not necessarily mean fun time anymore. Days and hours become longer. You now envy the Lasallites still taking their midterms or those yuppies in Makati breaking their backs at work (at least they have something to do unlike you). Now you don’t know what to ask for.

It’s funny how man is never satisfied of what he has. I'm willing to bet all my four limbs (and even my fifth, hehe) that there is not one person in this world who can truly say that he couldn’t ask for anything more. We always want more coz it’s just never enough. We just always have room for more comfort, more security, or anything more than what that officemate working in the other cubicle or that big time blockmate has. I say that this just boils down to the issue of completeness - there’s just always something lacking, always something missing. One never feels like himself until he gets what he wants.

But when are we really complete? I don’t think there can be one concrete and universal answer to this question or at least I don’t think I can give you one. It is only you who can say what can make you whole. There is just one thing that must be remembered and it is that being complete is never about how much you have as compared to how much others do. For all you know, that guy you envy who seems really happy with his job, wife, and kids is not really happy after all. You may not need a new car, job, house, or even another person to make you whole. All these things may just be added bonuses for an already complete you. You just need to find your own happiness within you so you can truly say that you can’t ask for anything more. Oh, and don’t forget to stop getting confused whether you like having stressful classes or boring sem breaks.

Every fresh graduate gets the after-graduation dilemma, or at least I’d like to think that I wasn’t alone. After college graduation, while waiting for the results of the Ateneo School of Law Admission Test (yes, that’s how it’s called and there’s an acronym for that, ASLAT!) I was at a lost. The uncertainty of getting into Law School made me feel useless, which I really hated. There was never a time in my life that I became unsure of what do next, everything was usually planned down to the details.

During that time it was still summer, and of course, like any other bum, I’d go out and drink with my friends. But all the drinking was not without output. We actually came out with a Plan B for me just in case everything gets fucked up and I don’t get into law school (fortunately that didn’t happen). Anyway, I just realized that since the first day I entered the halls of Ateneo Law, I never had the time to look back and imagine myself outside them without the piles of cases and stacks of books in front of me. I guess it would be a nice time to share my used-to-be (and maybe still is) Plan B.

Before law school, my friends would always tell me that they see me working someday in an advertising firm, or doing PR, events, creatives or whatever you call it. Of course I didn't really entertain the idea since a career in law has always been in the center of my dartboard since I was in high school. But yes, most of them see me as that guy who loves people, which is true. With all the extracurricular activities that I used to do (and still try to do) I’ve learned to deal with all sorts of homo sapiens, from the weirdest to the hottest, from the geekiest to the coolest, and all other permutations. I love joining election campaigns of relatives running for office and doing “PR stuff” for them like preparing slideshows/presentations, designing posters, coming up with slogans, even statements, speeches, etc and if I didn’t go to law school I'll probably be doing that for a living. I’ll probably be a PR guy for a politician trying to do damage control for him just to keep that shiny image he has. I’ll probably be breaking my back coming up with presentations my clients need for their campaigns or activities. Or maybe I’ll be in an advertising firm trying to come up with a good strategy for a new product to sell good in the market, or spending late nights in a conference room battling it out with hardheaded subordinates, and even clients, just to make our ideas meet. Or maybe I’ll be busy organizing or hosting an event for whatever cause. (This doesn’t mean that I should be made to host all the time, right blockmates? Hahaha.)

Journalism was also one of the options. My writing may not be worth a Palanca but I love doing it. If I wasn’t writing my JD thesis I’ll probably be writing for a magazine right now or for a newspaper on any subject in any section. Or maybe I’ll be in a slum area doing research for a documentary or for a writing project. Or probably I’ll be there sitting in Congress or Senate trying to catch the stupid arguments being thrown by our good representatives for tomorrow’s print.

Film was also part of Plan B. If I wasn’t reciting in class I’ll probably be directing an indie film I just wrote. Or maybe, I’ll be doing documentaries on anything I can think about.

These are just a few of the things that were (and maybe still are) part of my Plan B which, fortunately, was not at all executed. And since so far Plan A is still working for me, Plan B will remain Plan B unless everything gets screwed up.

Want me to give you an idea of how my day went?

There! That was me the whole day. Never fail to kill time otherwise it'll kill you. Friggin sembreak.

Head spinning faster than any roulette, fast enough to throw you off your computer seat and smash your head on the laptop screen. That warm feeling that runs up your nape to the back of your head melting every nerve and cell it passes through. That needle that pierces through your thin scalp, slicing through the thickness of your skull, sharper than any tattoo machine or whatever they use in printing whatever on your skin. That crazy throbbing that brings you to the verge of exploding your brains out. Those two fingers that push your eyes into your head until your eyeballs get halfway inside. I don’t really know what “migraine” is exactly but every time I feel these things I just randomly use the word. And so now, I’ll do the honor of officially declaring a MIGRAINE SITCH. Thanks to that stupid thesis. Damn. (and it did not help in coming up with a good blog entry at all)

It was definitely a long day. Thesis writing was not a breeze at all. And this I realized just when I thought it was already our sembreak! After giving up on the idea that I can finish my thesis requirements within the day, I decided to take a breather and get a haircut. Yes, a haircut - the cheapest way to get a massage (at least on the head), clean your hair, and look better, all at the same time. Not to mention the chance to see real live people walking in the mall after staring at your laptop the whole day. It felt like I lived under a sewer for 10 years, with internet access of course, hehehe. But the walk in the mall and the haircut didn't really help a lot when I started texting a friend with whom I haven't had the chance to talk in a while. She asked if any life changing event happened to me during the break. Great. Perfect timing. Nothing life changing has actually happened to me since the break started but still, It was not the kind of question you'd want to be thrown at you in the middle of stressful thesis writing and dealing with your when-will-my-fucking-grades-come-out-tell-me-now-if-I-can-still-stay period.

Lately, law school has really been sucking the sanity out of me to the point that the option of LOA-ing started to linger in my mind. It even came to a point where questions like "is this really for me?" were being raised already, which is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL for a law student. Some people call it quarter life crisis (wait, am I old enough for that already?) but I choose to refer to it as burning-out.

And then I realize that it is only I who can decide for myself and I can't blame whatever I decide to do about it on the pressure. If you swerve from the lane you are driving in right now, don't blame it on the schmuck driving the 10-wheeler close to your car. It was you who gave up to his pressure and so you only have yourself to blame. Why blame it on that guy? You had the freedom to decide and you chose a path to take, now live with it. Taking responsibility for one's own decisions is never easy. It's not easy to embrace the fact that you fucked yourself up and so most of the time we blame our failed decisions on other people, and if we can't find anyone to throw the stones at, we just point our fingers to The Mysterium Tremendum Fascinosum. It's easy to look for an excuse just to save our faces, but in the end, it is actually just us who define our niche in the grand scheme of things, all the excuses are merely just, yes, excuses.

I can't believe that the question was just thrown at me at perfect timing. Just when these things have been invading my mind. Of course, no quick answer was ready to be thrown back at that time and all that I was able to say was "I can't believe you asked me that. It's either you're psychic or you've been stalking me. Hehehe."

I love free time as much as I hate it. I love that it gives me time to relax, to unwind, to get away from the usual stuff that stresses me, especially Law School. But I hate that it gives me time to think.

Too much free time leads to too much pondering about things you tend to evade or put off. Things you deliberately take for granted maybe because sometimes you think they're not important or maybe because you just want to get them out of your way. Lying all day on a couch or on a bed while staring blank up the ceiling, gives you so much room for reminiscing as much as for regretting. Too much free time makes you worry about the future, about how much burden is upon your shoulders. Too much idle time makes you realize that there are a lot of things ahead of you, good and bad. You may have tried to avoid them, but they're just actually there in the corner waiting to wring your neck.

But what I love about free time is that it also gives you time to realize that, hey, you don't always have to put things in order and that the future does not really have to be perfect. That sometimes things should just be left the way they are and the way they're meant to become in the future. That you cannot fix everything, and that it's actually better not to fix them. These things you try to avoid, evade, hide from, or worry about are those that actually make you human in the best possible way. Better leave them there and just continue walking that path you're taking. Why worry about how to get the greatest job in the world and find the most perfect wife with whom you can have the best kids? Anyway, being imperfect and having an imperfect future is being human, so why ruin that?

Damn. Looks like I've had too much of free time. I should start working on my thesis now.